"Official Diagnosis"

When Carter was a little over 2 years old I took him to see a Neurologist. I will never forget this day as long as I live. I remember the doctor telling me that if Carter wouldn't eat "just don't feed him, he will eventually eat". I mean what doctor especially a neurologist tells you that?? Anyway that is beside the point, he came in the room and told me that Carter had mild cerebral palsy. He physically drew some pictures out for me trying to further explain what CP was, but as soon as he said cerebral palsy I mentally checked out. I was crying and he told me that Carter was not that "bad" and I should walk around with him for a day and I could see some really "bad" kids. At this point I was like, where did this doctor get his degree from??? Then as he exited the room and he pointed to a family that he was seeing next. (they didn't see us), but he said "see that boy? he is much worse than Carter and will never do anything".

I definitely needed time to digest this information and was determined not to tell anyone. I felt if I kept it a secret then Carter wouldn't have CP. I look back at my younger self and boy was I naive. I guess that was my brain's way of protecting my heart. So I told Lee about the diagnosis, but said "I don't think he has it- that doctor is a quack". I also told Lee not to tell anyone about this, not his parents or anyone.

Then I can remember telling Carter's OT that the doctor said he had CP and she said "Oh I could've told you that". I was like WHAT! You mean you think he has CP too? Let's just say that she wasn't my OT very much longer.....oh the naive Toni lol

I can remember telling some members of my family several months later about our doctors appointment but I would always preface the conversation with "Carter's doctor said he has CP, but I don't think he does". My family would always say, NO he doesn't have that - he's just a little bit behind Logan, he'll be fine. I know they meant well, but this kept me stuck in denial. I am not sure when I came out of denial, but finally as we would see more and more different doctors I would always see his diagnosis on his chart as cerebral palsy- I guess I came around.

What was I so scared of? It's just a label. I guess I was scared that people would make certain assumptions about Carter and not get to know him and just think he was a "waste" like that neurologist told me about the other child he pointed to in his office. I didn't want Carter treated any differently than other children and especially not his twin brother. But he is different, he is special, he is my Carterbug. Different does not mean less! I love my child named Carter and he has cerebral palsy!