It has been a tough few months. I began my first semester of graduate school in Speech-Language Pathology. Stupid me...I did not realize how emotional, exhausting, and ginormously difficult getting a Master's Degree would be. As a mother with not 1, but 2 special needs children that are both nonverbal, it has taken a toll on my emotional strength. At times I thought I would just give up....I mean why should I continue to feel guilty for not being able to see my children? "I should just quit" I would think as everyday passed. My children and family mean more to me than anything in the world. "Why was I wasting all of this time to get my degree to help other children? I could be here right now for my boys, you can't get time back that is lost" RIGHT??? But as the days passed and tears flowed - I often thought to myself, I don't want to be a quitter! My husband would often say, "I miss you being home with the boys and it would be nice to have you home everyday". I realized that I loved working with other children and talking to other parents with similar struggles as myself. Knowing that I am not alone in this crazy world does help. Why is it that we want others to feel our pain, our sorrows, our personal experiences and have them understand where we have been and where we are going? It's simple - we all have our own struggles and people do care, but as humans we always put our needs above others. I can not expect people to understand or have empathy because they do not know. I love educating others especially about my personal experiences with my children. Just because a child has special needs does not mean they are any LESS- different, but not less.
My wonderful professor put an article in my box that reminded me that there are others in this world with very similar situations as myself. The article is called "Little Boy Lost" by Amy Leal. If you have time - please google this article. It is wonderful and there is one specific quote she used from Lord Byron that really hit home with me... "Sorrow is knowledge, those that know the most must mourn the deepest, the tree of knowledge is not the tree of life." What a wonderful meaningful quote from a British poet that probably did not have a clue how much solace this would provide to parents similar to myself. I look back during the early years (when my children were under 2 years old) and I did not understand what it meant to have children with special needs and the insurmountable time I would spend trying to gain knowledge - because the more you know the more your can help them, right? WOW, I was undeniable happy. Is ignorance bliss?? The more I read and educated myself about anything and everything that might apply to my children the more weary I became. The more educated I became the more I seemed to lose parts of myself - I began to mourn....I mourned the loss of my "perfect" children that I dreamed of and I became mentally exhausted trying to plan and figure out anything and everything that I "should" do for my children. I often wanted to be ignorant again. Sure it would've been easier to just be ill-informed, but everyone knows I like to do things MY way, which is most often the HARD way....lol. I wouldn't want it any other way! WOW, just when you think you have overcome one obstacle another one slaps you in the face.....no not "slaps" but gives you a Mike Tyson uppercut." You may knock me down or even out for a little while, but I am resilient and I will always FIGHT for my children, my family, our future, and this requires wisdom. Ha! I am far from wise, but maybe one day! Besides, I must keep my sanity or I will become a slave to others and I am too strong to be held captive! I wrote this blog on a whim - hope I can keep up this positivity!
