Bad Blogger!

I haven't been a very good blogger recently - people keep asking me if I've stopped blogging.....the answer is NO! I love to blog, but we've had a difficult summer. Our family has gone through a lot of emotions over the summer - several deaths in our family and dearest friends. Lee's mother recently passed away. She lives in California and it was very upsetting for him #1 because he had not spoken to her in a while and #2 because he wasn't able to attend her funeral in California.
On another note, I am worried about Logan....his OCD has gotten to an all time high this summer. He is so obsessed with PBS Kids. He used to just be ok with watching a show on PBS so he could see the logo at the bottom of the screen, but now he seems obsessed with Dot and Dash (the characters who promote PBS Kids). Dot and Dash appear for about 10 seconds and he wants them on all the time. I am really unsure what to do at this point. Do I just turn the TV off all together? Medication? I have no idea, but we are all about to be in for a ride when school starts back. I start graduate school in August - which is going to be difficult to say the least and the boys start 2nd grade. I am worried about them going back to school because their routine has been absolutely destroyed this summer and I am just as bad. UGH I have two classes that start at 7:30am. I am going to be a walking Zombie for a while. Sorry this blog has been on the depressing side, this is one reason I haven't blogged. I felt as if I didn't have anything positive to say then I just shouldn't post anything, but that's not life....we all have times like this we go through so why not just share it with the world, lol. Maybe this will help me get out of my funk.
It has been really hard to be alone without my husband for a month at a time. I am ready for school to start back so I can have some adult interaction again. I miss my school friends and having a daily routine.
We did have a great vacation at the beach for a week- I will post some pics. The boys love the beach. Carter loves to ride the waves in the boat and Logan loves standing on the shore letting the water wash across his feet. Ahhh I love those memories. I wish we lived closer to the coast so we could go more than once a year.
I think may have said this before, but when we go to the beach....it is the one place where I don't feel a difference in my kids and others. It is the one place I feel normalcy. They play and love the beach like all the other kids there. It is so nice sometimes to feel normal.
I really think maybe we should relocate to Gulf Shores after I graduate???? Or buy a time share, doesn't that sound absolutely fabulous? Well that just totally brightened my spirits. Until the next time; thank you everyone for supporting my journey! xoxo Toni

So many emotions

This past month has been filled with sadness and joy for me I have struggled with the loss of one of my best friend's children. No one thinks the loss of a child can happen to them. Well they are WRONG. I have had 3 friends now whose children have passed away. One an infant, one 8 years old, and the other 17. I feel their pain, but cannot image the pain they will feel for the rest of their lives. This is my struggle, I want to help them, but don't know how. All I can do is pray. I find myself feeling guilty for my happiness when I graduated and also enjoying my wonderful time at the beach with my family. Graduation was awesome! A wonderful adrenaline rush! I loved every minute of it, but as I crossed the stage I thought of my sweet Savannah and how she was just a few weeks away from her high school graduation. Suddenly I was sad as I returned to my seat #13. I cried as I sat there feeling so many emotions, most of them I could not explain. This is not fair! Why? I know she is in Heaven. There is not a doubt in my mind, but I still am sad. My friends are hurting and i want to take it from them. The more accepting I am of my own life the more I struggle to make sense of other's lives. Why do I do this?

Friends

How special are my friends? Let me count the ways....my heart aches when they hurt. I have 3 very special friends who have lost their children. These tragedies have broken me down to my core (my body aches). It hurts my heart to go thru this with them and try to be of some help. I feel like it is happening to me, but all I can do is be here for anything and everything they need and I know they would do the same for me. Well actually they have been there for me- it may not be a death, but when my boys were born I needed support and they tried to help. I wasn't very receptive to them and I wish I would have let them in more than I did, but they are here for me now and that is all that matters now. This is possibly the hardest struggle for me because death is so final there is really nothing I can do for them, but pray. Oh my goodness do I pray for them to find peace and for the Lord to turn this tragedy into something other than sadness. I am really struggling right now, I do not even want to attend my graduation. I just want to stay with my friend constantly because I know she needs me. I know what I am feeling and can't imagine the pain in here heart and how she is suffering. I ask all my friends to please pray and just pray some more. (then pray again later) and then one more time pray again. Lord, Please take this pain from them! I know my boys have angels with them all the time and Savannah and Shelby are right there with them watching over them. That makes me feel good that 2 sweet special girls are keeping them safe and when it's time for us to go home....we shall all be reunited. Till we meet again!

Mother's Day

As we approach Mother's Day tomorrow, I have started noticing people on facebook updating their statuses stating their children, when they were born, and how much they weighed. It's really hard to wrap your arms around how much 1lb 13ozs weighs, but one time I was in one of those sports stores and I saw this tiny little weight and I thought who would work out with this? (a child?) I picked it up and I thought this wouldn't help anyone it's so light then I looked at the bottom of it and it said 2lbs. This is the point I realized OH MY GOSH. My babies weighed less than this???? It scared me to think actually they were smaller than this tiny thing. Then I got to thinking about bags of rice, those come in 2lb bags as well- I found myself on the hunt for something that weighed around 2lbs. I know it sounds silly, but the more I would do this the more grateful I was for my twins and how much they have gone through- they are God's amazing children that he gave to me; He trusted me; He loved me enough to give me these precious babies because He knows I am capable and will do everything in my power to secure their future to the best of my abilities. Sometimes I falter and wonder can I do this? or why couldn't my boys just have been born on time? But then I think of that Garth Brooks song, "Unanswered Prayers". God knows what he is doing you just need to accept it and embrace it and figure out your purpose in life.

Also, I have been thinking of my mother and how wonderful she is. She is always here when and if I need her. Moving across the street from them was the BEST choice I ever made. Just knowing that her and my dad are over there gives me peace. My mother is so kind-hearted and would do anything for anyone especially her kids and grandkids. I like to think I am her favorite, but I'm sure my sister and brother think the same thing. (but I know it's me, lol) It's kinda funny because my mom always tells me that when she keeps my kids they are the "easiest" of all of her grandkids. Isn't that interesting??? I guess "typical" can get on your nerves with all that talking, lol (don't have to worry about that with mine, haha)

Graduation

As I think about my upcoming graduation, I have started to reflect on the reason I decided to return to college. It was a very tuff decision to decide to be away from the boys and go back to school, but since they had to go to school as well - I figured what the heck. I had no clue that I would find another family and wonderful friends at ULM. Also, each class I attend teaches me more about myself and my family life. Not a day goes by that I am not appreciative of my life. Yes, some days are filled with school papers, projects, presentations, and then coming home to my wonderful children. All I can say is God bless the inventor of the dust buster because I can promise I use it at least 5 times a day. I am not sure why I waited so long to own this wonderful invention, but I will never be without it now. I actually consider taking it with me when I go to my moms or in the car, lol. Anyways, so I am graduating and then returning in August to pursue my Master's Degree in Speech-Language Pathology. I did not choose this profession for money or the flexibility of hours, but I want to help other families that face struggles with communication and swallowing as we did. I know all situations will not be exactly like mine, but hopefully being a parent of special needs twins I can offer something to these families that may help them even if facing similar situations. I am scared to work again since it has been 7 years since I worked and will be 9 years once I start working. (that's a long time not to work and have a boss and yes it has been wonderful) I am so grateful to have such a wonderful husband that sacrifices his time with his family to provide for us. I cannot imagine leaving for a month at a time and being in the middle of the ocean with nothing to do or see, but work. He loves us and has always been wonderful at showing us how much. He sent me this email yesterday: " I just wanted to wish u happy Mother's Day. I love u so much and I am lucky to have u as the mother of our kids. They love u to death and if they could talk they would tell u everyday how much they love u. It takes a special mother to go through the day to day struggles u go thru and just take it with a smile (sometimes a bottle of wine.lol). I wish I was half the parent u are. I love you"

This makes me cry every time I read it, how wonderful is he???? I could not have asked for a better man, husband, and father for my kids. One day he can retire and be home with us everyday. I cannot wait! He is sooooo much help when he is home and if I did not have my parents and Bonnie when he is gone I would definitely be in a mental institution. (not kidding) I miss him so much when he is gone and now he stays away for 4 weeks at a time and in Saudi Arabia of all places. I pray every night that the Lord keeps him safe and brings him home to us just as he was when he left. The boys are so much more well behaved when their daddy is home too and I know they miss him just as much as I do!

"Official Diagnosis"

When Carter was a little over 2 years old I took him to see a Neurologist. I will never forget this day as long as I live. I remember the doctor telling me that if Carter wouldn't eat "just don't feed him, he will eventually eat". I mean what doctor especially a neurologist tells you that?? Anyway that is beside the point, he came in the room and told me that Carter had mild cerebral palsy. He physically drew some pictures out for me trying to further explain what CP was, but as soon as he said cerebral palsy I mentally checked out. I was crying and he told me that Carter was not that "bad" and I should walk around with him for a day and I could see some really "bad" kids. At this point I was like, where did this doctor get his degree from??? Then as he exited the room and he pointed to a family that he was seeing next. (they didn't see us), but he said "see that boy? he is much worse than Carter and will never do anything".

I definitely needed time to digest this information and was determined not to tell anyone. I felt if I kept it a secret then Carter wouldn't have CP. I look back at my younger self and boy was I naive. I guess that was my brain's way of protecting my heart. So I told Lee about the diagnosis, but said "I don't think he has it- that doctor is a quack". I also told Lee not to tell anyone about this, not his parents or anyone.

Then I can remember telling Carter's OT that the doctor said he had CP and she said "Oh I could've told you that". I was like WHAT! You mean you think he has CP too? Let's just say that she wasn't my OT very much longer.....oh the naive Toni lol

I can remember telling some members of my family several months later about our doctors appointment but I would always preface the conversation with "Carter's doctor said he has CP, but I don't think he does". My family would always say, NO he doesn't have that - he's just a little bit behind Logan, he'll be fine. I know they meant well, but this kept me stuck in denial. I am not sure when I came out of denial, but finally as we would see more and more different doctors I would always see his diagnosis on his chart as cerebral palsy- I guess I came around.

What was I so scared of? It's just a label. I guess I was scared that people would make certain assumptions about Carter and not get to know him and just think he was a "waste" like that neurologist told me about the other child he pointed to in his office. I didn't want Carter treated any differently than other children and especially not his twin brother. But he is different, he is special, he is my Carterbug. Different does not mean less! I love my child named Carter and he has cerebral palsy!

Yum Yum

I can remember the first time I ever got to feed Logan a bottle. He was so precious and tiny. He was 2 months old before he could take feedings from a bottle because he had to learn how to suck, swallow, and breathe simultaneously. It doesn’t sound very difficult, but for a preemie that weighs a little over 2lbs it’s a huge accomplishment. I look back at how far we’ve come and it amazes me at times. Carter never did learn to feed from a bottle. He got a g-tube in his stomach that we fed him with for his first 2 ½ years. When the boys were 2 we went to an awesome place in Dallas called Our Children’s House at Baylor. It was an inpatient program where the boys would stay in the hospital for 2 months. Lee and I both stayed at the hospital at night, but they made us leave during the day to “train” both boys to eat properly. It was a truly amazing experience that changed our lives forever. Carter did not even know how to drink liquids when we arrived, but 6 months after our stay at Baylor he got his g-tube out and has been eating and drinking ever since. He has a huge appetite and I never thought Carter would love to eat as much as he does. Now he will just about eat anything! It is so amazing to see God’s work! This was one of the major reasons I decided to become a Speech Pathologist.