Nothing Like This

I would love to think less about the future, worrying about what it will bring for my children. I can only try my best day by day; I cannot control how life will turn out. I have no control - everything is in God's hands. I try to be a good mother, but lets face it somedays I feel inadequate and want to give up. That is not an option. I will hold you and I won't let you down; you're gonna make it because I will stand by you and help you through. But what happens when I am gone...Lord please take care of my babies!

I am giving myself over to you Lord!

I used to believe that I can do a lot of things and considered myself an organized multi-tasker able to take on the world but... I can give all I am, I can fake a smile, I can pretend, I can be a machine day in and day out, I can do it, I will get through it, I best under pressure, I will take any challenge because I am an overachiever. But....I'm only human and I can crash and fall down- want to hide from the world; tucked away in my closet and cry. I should be strong and fight, but I just want to escape somedays and just be me and not worry what people will think. I can do it...I can do it...but I'm only human and I cry when things get too much for me to handle. I avoid so many situations because of my anxiety. I want to give everything I am over to the Lord. Please take care of me Lord and just get me through it. As each day passes it gets harder and harder - take my suffering away Lord and ease my pain.

Master's Degree FINALLY!!!!

Well it finally happened; after 6-7 years of school I completed my Master's Degree in Speech-Language Pathology. I did not have a clue as to the hard work and dedication these last 7 years would require. I must say I do feel pride and exhilaration as this chapter in my life is now completed. So...now what? I'm assuming I should probably work huh? Well not so fast. I need a mental break and hopefully a renewed sense of passion for the reason I began this journey in the first place. I just wanna run away to the beach all alone and find my sanity because that's the last place I saw it...to be continued! Love, Toni

Acceptance....phase 2

Acceptance it's one of my favorite words. I was going to get it tattooed on my wrist or finger, but then i realized wait a minute....Acceptance is a place I found through this long journey of having twins with special needs. It is a wonderful place and I often feel like an advocate for those parents and others who have not yet gotten to this place. There is no map on how to get there each person must take their own path. Some journeys are longer, have more ups and downs, but once you arrive at this beautiful destination....there is only one word that comes to mind "peace". But, over the past few months I have been struggling and one night it hit me like a brick in the face...."how can I have true acceptance if I have not truly accepted myself?" I am constantly putting myself down and doubting myself. I am negative about all aspects of my life because I feel that it's better to not expect anything so, I won't be upset if the worst happens, right? The other day I made a list of all of the "pros and cons" of my personality. I actually went around and asked some friends to name some for me. I found myself wanting to hear more of the cons vs the pros; which seems odd. Anyways, I have decided I cannot practice what I preach until I accept myself- flaws and all. Yes, I may have some "cons" to my personality, but who doesn't. I am going to learn to accept the good, the bad, the ugly, and the negative. I believe that once I get to this place of acceptance then, if I would like to "modify" some aspects of myself I am not happy about then I will do it for myself....not because someone else has a problem with me. Yes, I speak my mind, yes I am a smart-ass, yes I stand up for what I believe in (which often can get me in trouble), but I am going to accept these aspects of myself because this makes me who I am - unique. I do not want to change me, just like I would never want to change my boys because then they wouldn't be Carter & Logan. We shall see how this journey goes, but for now I am focusing on my inner self and loving who I am just as my boys love me! Till then xoxo Toni

What would you do with extra time?

These days I often dream about what I would do with extra time.....so many possibilities. Vacation, scrapbook, take photos, plant a garden, just make memories with my family. They all sound nice and I feel like there hasn't been anytime for anything in my life except school. I miss my friends, i miss my family, i miss so much, but I am going to keep dreaming about what I would do with extra time.....and try to cherish the little time I do have for myself with those that I love~ Toni

Ahhhh....reflection is powerful

It has been a tough few months. I began my first semester of graduate school in Speech-Language Pathology. Stupid me...I did not realize how emotional, exhausting, and ginormously difficult getting a Master's Degree would be. As a mother with not 1, but 2 special needs children that are both nonverbal, it has taken a toll on my emotional strength. At times I thought I would just give up....I mean why should I continue to feel guilty for not being able to see my children? "I should just quit" I would think as everyday passed. My children and family mean more to me than anything in the world. "Why was I wasting all of this time to get my degree to help other children? I could be here right now for my boys, you can't get time back that is lost" RIGHT??? But as the days passed and tears flowed - I often thought to myself, I don't want to be a quitter! My husband would often say, "I miss you being home with the boys and it would be nice to have you home everyday". I realized that I loved working with other children and talking to other parents with similar struggles as myself. Knowing that I am not alone in this crazy world does help. Why is it that we want others to feel our pain, our sorrows, our personal experiences and have them understand where we have been and where we are going? It's simple - we all have our own struggles and people do care, but as humans we always put our needs above others. I can not expect people to understand or have empathy because they do not know. I love educating others especially about my personal experiences with my children. Just because a child has special needs does not mean they are any LESS- different, but not less.

My wonderful professor put an article in my box that reminded me that there are others in this world with very similar situations as myself. The article is called "Little Boy Lost" by Amy Leal. If you have time - please google this article. It is wonderful and there is one specific quote she used from Lord Byron that really hit home with me... "Sorrow is knowledge, those that know the most must mourn the deepest, the tree of knowledge is not the tree of life." What a wonderful meaningful quote from a British poet that probably did not have a clue how much solace this would provide to parents similar to myself. I look back during the early years (when my children were under 2 years old) and I did not understand what it meant to have children with special needs and the insurmountable time I would spend trying to gain knowledge - because the more you know the more your can help them, right? WOW, I was undeniable happy. Is ignorance bliss?? The more I read and educated myself about anything and everything that might apply to my children the more weary I became. The more educated I became the more I seemed to lose parts of myself - I began to mourn....I mourned the loss of my "perfect" children that I dreamed of and I became mentally exhausted trying to plan and figure out anything and everything that I "should" do for my children. I often wanted to be ignorant again. Sure it would've been easier to just be ill-informed, but everyone knows I like to do things MY way, which is most often the HARD way....lol. I wouldn't want it any other way! WOW, just when you think you have overcome one obstacle another one slaps you in the face.....no not "slaps" but gives you a Mike Tyson uppercut." You may knock me down or even out for a little while, but I am resilient and I will always FIGHT for my children, my family, our future, and this requires wisdom. Ha! I am far from wise, but maybe one day! Besides, I must keep my sanity or I will become a slave to others and I am too strong to be held captive! I wrote this blog on a whim - hope I can keep up this positivity!

Doctors

Ya know as I was laying in bed last night I got to thinking about lots of different things doctors have said to me over the years that have stuck with me. Some good, some bad, some humiliating and just disgraceful. With that said here are some quotes from doctors that I will always remember....the good the bad and the ugly!

1) "Most babies born at 25 weeks have about a 60% chance of survival, given Carter's condition....I would give him about 30% survival rate"

2) "If you are called or paged to come to NICU; it is NOT a good thing"

3) "We just need to get past the 24 hour mark, then we need to get to the 48 hour mark, we have to take it day by day minute by minute" "At this point I can not tell you if they will live or not"

4) "Your life is about to be an extreme roller coaster ride, so try and get some rest"

5) "I can finally say that your baby will live, but that is about all I can predict for you"

6) "Your child is smarter than a dog and if you can train a dog you can train him"

7) "If he won't eat then just don't feed him; he will eventually eat"

8) "If you think you have it bad then you should walk around with me for a day and see some really "bad" kids" "you have it better than a lot of moms"

These are just some that popped into my head last night and thought I would share with all of you! I am certainly bless that my children lived. They are my special lil gifts from the Lord above. He gave them to me as my special gift and I will honor his wish and be the best mom and wife I know how to be. My life was forever changed on Sept. 13, 2003. I wouldn't trade my life with anyone, I have the perfectly imperfect life anyone could ask for! Love to all of my family friends and supporters along the way!